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A difficult conversation at work doesn't have to leave you flustered and dreading your next one.

You just haven't been taught how to do it the right way.

Here's how I stop feeling intimidated by my partners, customers, colleagues and executives, and turn those confrontations into opportunities as a Head of Business Development at Lucid Software:

Step 1: Master the Art of the Pause

When someone comes at you with frustration or anger, your first instinct might be to jump in and defend yourself. Resist that urge.

Instead, do this:

1. Smile slightly
2. Nod your head
3. Let them talk
4. Hold the silence after they finish

Here's a real-life example:

At a conference, a partner approached me, voice raised: "I thought you were going to build this feature for our tool, and I don't see it. This is not great. What's going on?"

My response? I smiled, nodded, and let him vent. When he finished, I held the silence for a moment.

Why does this work? It shows you're in control and comfortable handling tense situations. It commands respect.

Step 2: Seek to Understand (Before Being Understood)

Once you've let them speak, your next move is crucial. Don't rush to insert your opinion or perspective. Instead, focus on truly understanding their point of view.

Here's how:

1. Paraphrase their concern
2. Ask for confirmation
3. Repeat until you get a clear "yes"

Here's a script you can use:

"I have some thoughts, but I want to make sure I'm understanding you first. Are you saying [paraphrase their point]?"

In the scenario with my angry partner, I might say:

"So, if I'm understanding correctly, you're frustrated because you expected a specific feature to be built for your tool, and it's not there. Is that right?"

This approach:

• Allows you to gather your thoughts
• Shows you're genuinely listening
• Gets them on your side

Key point: There are 3 ways someone could respond to your clarifying question. Either:

1. No, that's not quite right... [Attempt to re-explain.]
2. Yes, and... [additional context behind their point.]
3. Yes.

In hostile situations, I like to paraphrase and ask for clarity until I get response 3 -- the plain 'yes.' If you don't, they're less likely to give you permission to fully respond to them (see Step 4).

But we're not done yet. There's a critical step many people miss...

Step 3: Uncover the Core Intent

Sometimes, the surface-level problem isn't the real issue. Your job is to dig deeper and understand the underlying concern.

In my scenario, I asked open-ended questions like:

• "Why is not having this feature such a problem for you right now?"
• "What concerns you the most about us not having this feature?"

Let them elaborate until they've fully expressed their concerns.

In my case, after some probing, I discovered:

"We really need this product feature because we have X, Y, and Z customers waiting for this, and there's $ABC revenue tied to those accounts that we may not be able to close."

Now we're getting to the heart of the matter.

Step 4: Get the Upfront Contract + Respond with BLUF (Bottom Line Up Front)

Now that you understand their core concern, it's time to respond. But before you do, there's one more crucial step:

Get them to agree to your upfront contract: i.e., permission to speak uninterrupted.

Try this:

"I want to address your question. Can I just have two minutes of no interruptions to share what's on my mind?"

This creates a "verbal contract" that allows you to fully express your thoughts.

If they don't agree to this, then either:

• Let them empty their bucket by repeating steps 2 and 3.
• Ask them if this is intended to be a two-way or one-way conversation. Keep it to the facts and don't insert your emotions. No one will acknowledge the latter because it openly makes them look like jerks. When this happens, repeat step 4 and they'll let you talk.

Then, structure your response like this:

1. Answer their original question directly
2. Address their core intent
3. Propose a solution or next steps

Here's how I might respond in our ongoing example:

[Let them respond]

Putting It All Together

To recap, here's the formula for mastering difficult conversations:

1. Pause and hold the silence
2. Seek to understand by paraphrasing
3. Uncover the core intent
4. Get the upfront contract and respond with BLUF

Remember, the goal isn't just to defuse the situation—it's to strengthen the relationship and find mutually beneficial solutions.

This Week's Action Step

Identify a potentially difficult conversation you need to have in the next week. It could be with a colleague, a client, or even a personal relationship.

Before the conversation:

1. Write down what you think their main concern might be
2. Prepare 2-3 open-ended questions to uncover their core intent
3. Draft a BLUF response addressing both their surface-level concern and potential underlying issues

If you found this helpful, the Impromptu Speakers Academy is my 3-week bootcamp to help you become a clear and confident speaker at work. Reserve your spot today while they're still available.

An example of one framework you'll learn and practice in The Impromptu Speakers Academy.  

I hope this helps you approach your next difficult conversation with confidence and skill.

Preston